The Reason For The Season

Dear Movie Writers,
Merry Christmas to you too.

Love,
James

Game On

Dear Movies,
Premiere Day! Bwhaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

James

Its Time to Play The Music...

Dear Movies,
Fuck yeah!

James

OMG

Dear Movies,
Gawd is smiling upon you for this little gem. Cant wait.

James

Put On A Happy Face

Dear Movies,
More actors acting please. I feel like Vincent Cassel right now and am just in love with the world.

James

The Phantom Menace

Dear Movies,
God damnit George, just stop it already!

In one of the more bizarre rumors in a while, George Lucas-collaborator Mel Smith (director of Radioland Murders) claims that Lucas is buying the film rights to dead movie stars in hopes of casting them in a movie with the help of digital effects.

I am only ok with this if it means you bring back the 30 year old you that you secretly killed in the 80s and have him star in a skateboarding movie. Look at how damn cool you used to be

sigh.


James

FFWD

Dear Movies,
All Im doing is working the next two weeks. I have almost no free time. So lets fast forward through my life and get to dec. 17th already! Itll be my first day off after 5 straight days of work and theres nothing more Im gonna wanna do than see Tron. Press the button! Press the button! Pleeeeeease...

James

Friends of Yours?

"Just a bunch of freaks out on the edges"

Dear Movies,
Cherry 2000? Where have you been hiding this little gem?

In the future, a man travels to the ends of the earth to find that the perfect woman is always under his nose. When successful businessman Sam Treadwell finds that his android wife, Cherry model 2000 has blown a fuse, he hires sexy renegade tracker E. Johnson to find her exact duplicate. But as their journey to replace his perfect mate leads them into the treacherous and lawless region of 'The Zone', Treadwell learns the hard way that the perfect woman is made not of computer chips and diodes, but of real flesh and blood!

They just dont make em like you anymore. Pity. Corman would be proud.

James

Air Force Fun

Dear Movies,
People Magazine says, "Bill Clinton Joins Cast of The Hangover 2". People of America say, "We love you Movies!"

James

Call You Up In The Middle Of The Night

Dear Movies,
Can you help me remember how to smile? Make it somehow all seem worthwhile. How on earth did I get so jaded? Life's mystery seems so faded. I can go where no one else can go, I know what no one else knows. Here I am just drownin' in the rain with a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it


Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same

James

Friends With Benefits

Dear Movies,
Youre getting warmer. I asked you to make Justin Timberlake a leading man and youre doing it. But the movie of the same name as this post is not what I had in mind. This is what I had in mind. Now come over here and lets dance the lambada.

James

They See Me Trolling...

Dear Foreign Movies,
I aint haitin'. This movie looks like the perfect kind of campy fun. And if it ends up sucking, then kudos to you for a successful troll of Americans. Either way, my hats off to you.

James

Trollolololo

I Need Some Neeson

Dear Movies,
The Next Three Days looks pretty awesome. I love Liam Neeson and Russel Crowe planning a heist. That is all.

James

update:
Wait, Liam Neeson is now in the Hangover 2? I am so down with him being in every movie. Keep it coming Movies.

I Like

Dear Movies,
I feel a crazy little thing called love for you about this decision to have Sascha Baron Cohen play Freddy Mercury. Keep up the good work,

James

Awooooo! Aw awooooo!

Dear Movies,
I cant wait to see "Howl". Jon Hamm's in it? You're too much sometimes Movies, you're too much. But is David Cross going to be in it as old Ginsberg who is telling us the tale of his youth?

Ill be pretty cross if he isn't.

James

Three Guys Walk Into a Bar

Dear Movies,

Michael: "...So 'ee sez to 'er, 'ee sez, 'how do you fink oi rang the doorbell?!"
Morgan: "HAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Liam: "Oh, I get it! With his boner! Hahaha! I love jokes!"

Love,
Brendan

Salt of The Middle Earth

Dear Movies,
The Hobbit movie is being delayed by SAG and other groups. I say fuck unions! Guerilla filmmaking all the way!
James

The Boys Are Back in Town

Dear Movies,
When is something good coming out to watch? The Town, when is The Town coming out? John Hamm and Blake Lively so better fuck.

James

A Very Special Episode of Dear Movies...

Dear Television,

More crossover episodes, please. Actually, scratch that...could you please just start crossing over entire series? Here are a few ideas...

-Two and a Half Mad Men, a Gossip Girl & a Pizza Place
-NYPD Shield
-Boston Legal (A mashup of Boston Public & Boston Legal)
-It's Always Sunny in Jericho
-Who wants to be The Simpsons?
-Saved by the Bell: Deep Space 9
-Monk's Anatomy
-The Mod-ern Family Squad
-Battlestar GaLOSTica
-House M.D. of Payne

There you go, Television. You can just have those. I don't need 'em.

Brendan

Hubba Hubba

Dear Movies,
Thanks for listening and re-releasing Hubble 3D. Im beyond excited to go to the theater right now. Youre the best,

James

Christmas Come Early

Dear Movies,
I really want to go to see you tonight so release Tron: Legacy now. Thanks.

James

Look out The Avengers & Valentines Day...

Dear Movies,

Get ready for the ensemble romantic comedy of a lifetime: THE INTERNET!

Google - George Clooney
Yahoo - Mickey Rourke
Wikipedida - Ian Mckellan
AOL - Jerry Stiller
AIM - Ben Stiller
TMZ - Ashton Kutcher
Twitter - Miley Cyrus
Amazon - Julia Roberts
Aint It Cool - Jonah Hill

Featuring special cameos from Criss Angel as a Proxy Site, Will Ferrell as Funny or Die, and an entire army of CGI Lolcats.

We're gonna be zillionaires.

Yours,
Brendan

Star Power Star Power Star Power Over Me

Dear Movies,
Tonight Im going to Prospect Park to watch Space: The Movie starring Everyone, with brand new original score by Sonic Youth. Should make for great theater. Goodnight Moon,

James

I Guess Youre Just What I Needed

Dear Movies,
I was channel surfing last night and hoping to find something good to watch. And then there you were.

James

YOU WANNA GET NUTS? LET'S GET NUTS!

Dear Movies,

Can we please get an auteur to resurrect Michael Keaton's career? Where Jim Jarmusch at?!

Love,
Brendan

Im The Guy Who Does His Job. You Must Be The Other Guy

Dear Movies,
Not sure if you watch that much TV but maybe youve noticed this little gem. His name is John Munch and he's a character played by Richard Belzer on MULTIPLE TV SHOWS! Thats right, Richard Belzer, no matter what drama, or on what network, always plays the same cop named John Munch. Not just in name but actually the same person from TV land. Munch is from Baltimore and was on Homicide: Life on the Street, but later retired and moved to New York and became a Sgt. on Law and Order. But hes also made cameos on Arrested Development, The Wire, and The X-Files.
Point is, I want to this happen more, with other actors and actresses. For instance, Mark Whalberg. He was great in Boogie Nights and I Heart Huckabees, but simply put, he killed it as Dignam in The Departed. So from now on, I want him to be that character is every other movie he plays. What do you think? "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe go fuck yourself."


“I’m gonna go have a smoke right now. You want a smoke? You don’t smoke, do ya, right? What are ya, one of those fitness freaks, huh? Go fuck yourself.”
James

The Phantom Gourmet

Dear Movies,
Greenlight "The Haunted Entree" by James Beard. I will play myself. Its a redemption story about a hard working young man who works at a restaurant that has seen better days. The owner/head chef are close to foreclosing on the bistro when to make matters worse, he only has two employees and one of them suffers a tragic accident on the job and dies. Then this man comes back to haunt the place out of existence. But the ghost worker loves the female waitress that is still working there and she convinces him to help save the place instead. They rename the shop The Haunted Entree and tell everyone its haunted by the ghost of famous American chef James Beard but its actually just me bussing dishes invisibly now. But the people dont know that and the place becomes the hippest joint in town overnight. The End.
Terry O'Quinn will play the owner/head chef cause he needs to be in everything and Sydney Pottier will play the waitress cause I really want my CGI ghost to make out with her.

Order's up,
James

The Audacity of Hope

Dear Movies,
New favorite movie: Mr. Smits Goes to Washington. Yes We Can!

James

Private Screening

Dear Movies,
Sorry to hear no one else has been writing to you. Im not sure where everyone went. Did my friends die in a dream while still under sedation and are stuck in the limbo of their minds? Hope not. Im glad youre giving me all this attention, but Im willing to share. Oh well, I took myself on a movie date today. First time Id been to a movie alone in a while. I forgot how much I enjoy it. Especially with some movies where I dont want to talk to anyone for at least 30 min after I get out of the theater so I can gather my thoughts and just let the film sink in. In fact, I took the whole day to do that. Just sitting around reading online by myself with very little human interaction. It was a good day off. Now I sleep, perchance to dream?

James

Insertion

Dear Movies,
Tried to see Inception today at 2:45 by the park, but it was hot out so everyone went to the movies and it was SOLD OUT. There wasnt even a screening of Toy Story 3 anytime soon. You fucked me movies, you fucked me. Ill have to settle for reading this online prequel comic till later this week. God damned people,

James

p.s. Sitting in the woods of the park instead was really peaceful though.

Herky Jerky

Dear Movies,
Every movie needs to end with dancing. Now bust a move!

James

Best Tit[le] Sequence Ever!

Dear Movies,
Anti-gravity strip tease? Yep, thats the hottest thing Ive ever seen, and Ive looked at the Sun. Not able to stand up just yet,

James

Just Tell Him I Whispered Sweet Nothings Into Your Ear

After Clinton and the great depression caused by the United States of Europe (masterminded by the evil French), America was in rapid decline, borrowing money from Mexico and Colombia. The solution, as so often happened, came from Hollywood. Actor-director and film mogul Taran Tula became president. The nation's capitol was moved to tinsel town. The people had long ago lost their faith in politicians and religion but never in Hollywood. As in previous depressions, the movies always kept them going. Turning cinemas into Temples of Escapism from their misery was an easy and obvious step. And at the heart of every great American movie is the car chase and the gunfight. Taking the religion onto the streets, giving us the Death Race was the logical conclusion. People wanted to live Hollywood lives. Fantasy lives. (Tula) distilled from pictures the true soul of America. -Death Race 2020 #4

Dear Movies [a good friend of mine],
We didnt have this blog in April, but the 27th of that month was the 35 year anniversary of one of the best movies ever made; Death Race 2000. There are 8 issues of the comic book sequels and I want to see each one made by a succession of directors who are good at shooting car scenes but who are also the right kind of weird; Quentin Tarantino, Michael Bay, Rob Cohen, Paul Greengrass, Robert Rodriguez, James Cameron, Sam Raimi, and Spike Jonze. Check out the wikipedia page for descriptions of those stories.
Lets make this happen!

James

Wonder Wheadon

Dear Movies,

Castle is fine. Chuck is great. Mad Men is legendary.
Thing they have in common? People who were in Firefly/Serenity.
Obvious conclusion?
Make like nine more of those movies please.

Thanks bunches,
Lee Goffin-Bonenfant

P.S. Also Joss Whedon. OMG Joss Whedon. Let him write his own theme song again.

P.P.S. from James:
Why hasnt he already directed the Wonder Woman movie!?

Magic Dance

Dear Movies,
Make more movies about making movies. Behind the curtain is even more magical to watch than whats printed on the film. Thats also why I like science so much. Speaking of which, today, July 10th, is Nikola Tesla's birthday. He hated Edison more than anyone, even you. So,

Dear Movies,
Have David Bowie play Nikola Tesla again in the best biopic of all time. If you start to film it, the real Tesla will time travel to your set to play himself. Swear to god.

James

DDD

Dear Movies,
We just celebrated The Fourth of July so Ive got the red, white, and blue on the brain and I was thinking. My thought is that new 3D glasses are cool and all, and the new technology that makes them work is terrific. But I kind of miss the blue and red tinted glasses that gave me seizures when I played too many hours of Rad Racer. So I made a prototype design that can function like the new ones but with a homage to times past.


You can thank me by re-releasing Hubble 3D since I missed it when it first hit theaters and the trailer looked like the most spectacular thing my eyes could ever see. Youre welcome,

James

Fighting for Truth Justice and The American Way

Dear Movies,
Heres hoping enough people have seen your Easy Rider that I can ride around wearing that helmet today and get stopped by a block party and given a free hot dog or beer. Or both. Please both.

JameS A

This Just In...

Dear Movies,
Make an old school musical to fully showcase the numerous talents of Justin Timberlake, a true song and dance man who isnt afraid of the camera. I dont mean like High School Musical, or Moulin Rouge. I mean like An American in Paris. I want to see Another American in Paris. Or An American in Paris Too.

Thanks for listening,
James

Real Talk

Dear Movies,

Not long ago, I had a dream that a friend and I were having lunch at a country club with James Woods. However, I didn't realize it was James Woods until my friend made a face after I said, "Only a handful of James Woods movies are actually worth watching."

What could this mean?

Brendan

Harrison Bored

Dear Movies,
I accept that Harrison Ford loves to just get stoned and fuck around all day now. So can we get him in a Judd Apatow movie already so he can do just that and I get to see him back on the silver screen in something not god awful? Youre the best,

James

Paper Tiger

Dear Movies,
Please have Michel Gondry or Wes Anderson direct Iron Man 3D. 3D meaning they put a play on in the park. Thanks.

James

The fifth musketeer

Dear Movies,

What film could this possibly be for? I'd like to buy my ticket in advance, please!

Thanks!

Brendan

Im Not Talking Trash Man, Im Talking Truth

Dear Movies,
Stop with the bullshit, start showing something thats real.

fuck you,
james

Dear Pixar...

Dear Movies,

I don't think my heart can take much more of these Pixar movies. The balance of incredibly fun to terribly sad is tipping one direction.

Yours,
Brendan