Real Talk

Dear Movies,

Not long ago, I had a dream that a friend and I were having lunch at a country club with James Woods. However, I didn't realize it was James Woods until my friend made a face after I said, "Only a handful of James Woods movies are actually worth watching."

What could this mean?

Brendan

Harrison Bored

Dear Movies,
I accept that Harrison Ford loves to just get stoned and fuck around all day now. So can we get him in a Judd Apatow movie already so he can do just that and I get to see him back on the silver screen in something not god awful? Youre the best,

James

Paper Tiger

Dear Movies,
Please have Michel Gondry or Wes Anderson direct Iron Man 3D. 3D meaning they put a play on in the park. Thanks.

James

The fifth musketeer

Dear Movies,

What film could this possibly be for? I'd like to buy my ticket in advance, please!

Thanks!

Brendan

Im Not Talking Trash Man, Im Talking Truth

Dear Movies,
Stop with the bullshit, start showing something thats real.

fuck you,
james

Dear Pixar...

Dear Movies,

I don't think my heart can take much more of these Pixar movies. The balance of incredibly fun to terribly sad is tipping one direction.

Yours,
Brendan

Thanks, Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

I'm probably on some kind of watch list now. And not the good kind, like Netflix.

Thanks a lot, jerk.
Brendan Walsh

Gilbert Oh-My-Gottfried

Dear Movies,

When did trailers stop having the song "Bad to the Bone" in them? Let's get back to that.

Luv ya!,

Kenny Pickett

You Cant Give Me A Job, Keanu?

Dear Movies,
Help me find more work so that you and I can hang out more on dates, not just sitting around the apartment all the time.

James

Where's Charlie?

Dear Movies,
One new Charlie Kaufman movie please.

Eternally waiting,
James

Get Off My Plane!

Dear Movies,

Can we have more action star presidents, please? How about this: Jason Statham stars as the 49th U.S. President, "Harrison Ford." President Ford is the only President who can prevent a vicious biological attack from devastating his kingdom. But he's going to need his gun.

Please tell Mr. Statham he will need a beard like that of Abraham Lincoln.

See you next summer!
Brendan Walsh

69 Rock

Dear Movies,

Please pass the following message along to 30 Rock. I know, it's television, but you guys have to be close these days, right? What with Gary Sinise being on one of the Law & Orders?

Thanks,
Brendan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To 30 Rock:

Please go back to being a TV show about making a TV show. There are enough shows on television about women and their biological clocks.

Yours,
Brendan

Hertz So Good

Dear Movies,
Drinking in the afternoon and watching Bad Lt. Port of New Orleans. That is all.

JB

The Definition of Dennis is

Dear Movies,
Dennis Quaid playing Bill Clinton? Now we're getting somewhere.
-JW

Papa Can You Hear Me?

UPDATE: the original screen grab picture i had from the upcoming movie was taken down, so im replacing it with this monstrosity.




Dear Movies,
This didnt need to happen, yet there it is. Im really disappointed. BUT, if it has to happen, I hope that Paul Giamatti is Gargamel. BUT BUT, seriously? Why? Id give you credit for having Katy Perry play Smurfette if I didnt also read that Tarantino was supposed to be Brainy and now its not happening. Wait, I just IMDB'd this and the cast is crazy with people. Tim Gunn!!!!!!!! Wolfgang Puck as chef smurf! I will never see this, but I love Tim Gunn in movies.

fwd to: Movies,
Hey Tim, what do you have to say to Movies not thinking you should be in them?

"Make it work!"

Sincerely,
James

Die, Die, My Darling

Dear Movies,

OH!

Fuck Off,

Kenny Pickett

4 Dead In Mall Trampling

Dear Movies,

You know, for kids!

-Brendan

Dusk...

Dear Movies,

I can't wait for this shit to end.

-Brendan

P.S. Other things I will be happy to see ended forever and disregarded by history:
-Harry Potter
-The Saw series
-Tim Burton's use of computer animation
-My contemptible life

All a Flutter

Dear Movies,
We will always love you.

Yours,
James

She's All That

Dear Movies,

Could you get me Rachael Leigh Cook's phone number? Come on. Hook a brother up.

Yours swoonfully,

Kenny Pickett

You're Welcome

Dear Movies,
This is Usher. He's a movie star.
-JW

Dont Let Breast Cancer Steal Second Base

Dear Movies,
Where all the titties go? Remember when girls got topless in movies a lot? When the worst sex scene in history [watchmen] is the only time i can remember seeing some boobs in a movie in the last decade, something is horribly wrong. Instead we've gotten a lot of dicks in movies lately. Which actually I dont mind. Penis' are funny. Fact. But why did cocks coming [yup] out in movies replace the beautiful curves of the female form? Why cant we have both. As Apu Nahasapeemapetilon Ph.D. once said so eloquently; "Everybody get naked!"

Love,
James

Beandora

Dear Movies,

I see you.

Irayo,

Kenny Pickett

Quantum Star Wars

Dear Movies,

Can you somehow get Star Wars out of the alternate universe in which Kurt Russell landed the role of Han Solo?

Thanks in advance,

Kenny Pickett

Book deal, please!

Dear Movies,

This blog is almost 24 hours old. Are we famous yet? If so, I'd like a functional iron man suit, a muppet made in my image, and a lunch meeting with Die Hard (the man, not the film).

Thanks,

Brendan

Do Not Go In There

Dear Movies,
Remember when Hollywood made cigarettes cool? Let's bring that back! Let's make smoking cool again in 2010!
-JW

Prettiest Woman

Dear Movies,

Julia Roberts has a beautiful smile. Never forget that.

-Kenny Pickett

"The Boy Who Kicked Butts"

Dear Movies,

I would like to see a reboot of Kick-Ass. However, I would like it to come out before the scheduled sequel to Matthew Vaughn's original. I would then like the sequel to remain in the universe of the first Kick-Ass.

Yours,
Brendan

retrofit this!

Dear movies,
More time travel please. Did you see season 4 of Lost? Exactly. For instance, how about you stop retrofitting old franchises into the modern era. How about the new actors travel back in time to the era of the original concept and go from there. Then the reboots can become jump-offs. Doesnt jump-offs just sound cooler? I thought so too.

Love,
James.

p.s. Im gonna drunk dial you tonight, so when i do you better pick up the phone and then take off your clothes.

That guy from that movie.

Dear Movies,

I would like to see more of Tim Blake Nelson, both in front of and behind the camera. But please don't turn him into Paul Giamatti.

Thanks,
Brendan

Fire Walk This Way

Dear Movies,
How about getting David Lynch to direct an episode of Entourage?
-JW

"D. L. Hughley Breaks the News"

Dear Movies,

Enough with all the white people already.

-JW

Here we go...

Dear Movies,

Why are you trying to kill me? All I've ever done is love you.

-Brendan